My very first post!

Welcome! This is my very first post and I am excited to share the new alphabet that I have discovered during the past 10 years. The letter you see on the top of the page is from ON BEYOND ZEBRA by Dr. Seuss. It is the letter called Yuzz. This book, though just a childhood poem, opened my mind to a new way of thinking, observing, doing and, ultimately, being.

Who I am or I am who?

I am Barbara Tegart, my family (and friends who knew me as a kid) call me Barbi. I prefer Barb. I am the mother of 3 young adults (Chelsea – 22, Spenser – 20, Madeline – 18) and one really sweet grandson (Hayden). I work at a public school as an administrative assistant and am also the district web person. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Business with a Minor in web design – which is why my job is a great match! Additionally, I am an ordained minister and have been schooled over and over in the world of life!

But really, these are just titles and responsibilities. The reality is that I am a woman who, up until 10 years ago, lived what I like to refer as “a charmed life.” I had the great marriage, the well behaved kids, many opportunities to speak into the lives of women, a good job, a nice home… I had the life I had always dreamed of until…

Jon, my wonderful amazing husband of 22 years, learned that he had cancer (ocular melanoma) in the winter of 2007. Between 2007 and 2010 he was fine. Doctors told us to go home and “live without cancer” which we did. But when it travelled to his liver in July of 2010 we knew that we only had a few months left. He died on October 12, 2010. Part of me died that day, too.

I thought that I would never be able to “breathe” again. I felt like my life was over and wished many times that I had died in his place. My perfect little life was crumbling around me. I watched as my children struggled with this loss and many of the residual losses that happen as a result of death. I didn’t really know how to heal myself, or them, but I tried. Every single day I forced myself out of bed and off to work. I made myself reach out for help from my awesome, patient friends and family. I joined a grief group and got counseling. And I cried and grieved out loud for most of the first 18 months.

Then it happened. It’s not like I woke up one day and proclaimed “I am healed!” But rather, I realized that I was no longer thinking the same way, or seeing things the same way. I didn’t have to force anything anymore; I truly wanted to live again!

What it all means

Living again is not so much picking up where I left off, but learning to go beyond “Z.” It is re-defining who I am and what I want out of life. I had to let go of many things whether I wanted to or not, and begin to move towards my new alphabet.

"When you go beyond Zebra, Who knows…?
There’s no telling
What wonderful things
You might find yourself spelling!” – Dr. Seuss, On Beyond Zebra

This blog is part of my new alphabet. I am starting my alphabet with the letter YUZZ!